Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
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*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”