[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
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Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
Damn right I鈥檓 cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don鈥檛 have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 馃槴
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn鈥檛 like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out