[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*


Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.


Me: Go to bed

5-year-old: One more question

Me: Fine

5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?



Me: Get some coffee


MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha


MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport


Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.


Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys


A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.