INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
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My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
men, we mow at sunrise.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
inappropriate Care Bears be like: