inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
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Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.