INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
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Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
and now we wait
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women on Instagram. Comment “You 3 look incredible!!”
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough