[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
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Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
boss: your drug test came back clean
me: then my dealer’s got some explaining to do
boss: what
me: what
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?
Robber: kindergarten probably
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Mean things I kind of want to do:
1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.
2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?