[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
You Might Also Like
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.