INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
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Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
honestly, i need both:
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.