inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
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A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
(Me playing guitar)
3: Daddy what’s this song called?
Me: Going Nowhere.
3: I know that but what’s this song called?
Burned by a 3yo.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry