inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing
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Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.