Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
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WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
God has left this place
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july