Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
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Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
This kid will have a bright future.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
“I like big nuts and I cannot lie/Raisins, M&Ms I can’t deny”
-Sir Trail Mix-A-Lot
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead