Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
Girlfriend: I鈥檓 breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn鈥檛 warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you鈥檙e talking about
They鈥檝e postponed the Olympics, so I鈥檓 going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren鈥檛 actually KungFu fighting.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
If you鈥檙e going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It鈥檚 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 馃槨馃槨
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
That’s no pocket rocket.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touch茅.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY