Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
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5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Check out some of these wacky signs you guys sent in! 👎⚠️ #FallonTonight
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog