@FredTaming

inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome

inventor of vests: disagree

inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them

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@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@SteveOHellNo

People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.

@OneStopComedy

Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber

@AimeeHelene1

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

@SuperRandomish

Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.

@avainwordland

When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.

@BGH70

When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”

Less bleeding is good for not being dead.

@Marlebean

P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.

@JohnRMoffitt

That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.

@pleatedjeans

[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]