[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
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My dog learned how to text
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25TOTAL: $76.42
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
CANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT THE LAST 4 TIMES:
-Sad
-Embarrassing
-Pretended it was a scheduling issue but they knew I was lyingCANCELLING MY DENTIST APPOINTMENT TODAY:
-Brave
-Iconic
-Protecting the world by not letting a stranger put his fingers in my mouth
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever