Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
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If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
The old gods are rising again.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Your honor these allegations are
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.