inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
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[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Why is the gynecologist tool called a speculum and not a “snatchula”?
Want to know how to get that creepy guy to stop texting you “hey beautiful” every morning? Move in together.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.