[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You Might Also Like
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
[Seeing your baby for the first time]
Don’t say she has a big head.
Don’t say she has a big head.Me: At least you don’t have to worry about her head getting caught between the crib slats.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Small blessings, like when the mirror fogs up and you can’t see yourself when you get out of the shower, naked.
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
Me: I found this video of a great team-building exercise.
Boss: This is a Hunger Games DVD.
Me: [nods]
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Huge increase in Botox use raises eyebrows
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.