Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
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Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
I need this for my side hustle.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Dear Mario,
I wasted my childhood trying to save your girlfriend 🙂
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.