[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
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Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
You have been warned.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Jesus Christ lmao
If I had to homeschool kids because of the pandemic, recess would be 6 hours long.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
I had an unsettling dream. Someone came into my house and placed my Precious Moments figurines in compromising positions.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.