@noog

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

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@mrjohntofu

What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.

@Try2StopME

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

@Chhapiness

People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!

@conor_tripler

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

@DanMentos

[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’

@panmidwest

EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…

@fro_vo

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

@Tmoney68

My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”

@JanuaryJames

One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.