*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

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What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.


Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”


People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!


i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me


[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’


EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?

BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…


who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa


My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”


One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.