*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
YouTube suggestion: [Inspirational video] I wake up at 3 am
Me [at midnight]: no thank you! I don’t want that kind of negativity
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.
*Hits rock bottom.
*Receives welcome basket from Twitter.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
sin harder.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
I think my mom just blocked me
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us