Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
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No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.