invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
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I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
How old do I look?
9yo: 30
Aww, you deserve ice crea-
9yo: Just like grandma
-m but too bad you’re not getting any
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
That’s classic.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.