Ion see the issue
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My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
The glockness monster
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?
ME: my wife hears everything
HUSBAND 911: do I?
ME: what?
HUSBAND 911: what?
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
j o i m p
when u come home smelling like another dog
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
Elderly relative: If you receive a friend request from me on Facebook, don’t accept it.
Me: No kidding.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.