iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.

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@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.


I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?


My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.


Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?


my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend


People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.


are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala