iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
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I’m the most bashful person in the world, until you get me on the dance floor. Then I become the most bashful newborn giraffe in the world.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Boss [coming into my cubicle]: Hey can you-
Me:
Boss: Um.
Me [in bathrobe and slippers, smoking a cigar while playing guitar]: I really thought I’d be the only one here.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
St Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland, which was fantastic until they decided to become politicians
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
I’m deleting all my dating apps cause I’m worried my boyfriend might find out about them
Husband:
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
Smoke detector: IS THAT A FIRE I SMELL
Me: No I’m making baco-
Smoke detector: IM A HERO