@DairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

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@ristolable

*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”

@Cpin42

10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher

@valentinebaby82

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

@11111234567890a

It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me

@momsense_ensues

I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.

@TheAlexNevil

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

@DannyZuker

Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.

@ChadKroeber

Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*

*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*

Genie: please don’t w-

Me: I wish for a third kite

@UnFitz

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.