@ristolable *gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
@DairylandDon Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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@ristolable 
@Cpin42 10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
@valentinebaby82 Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
@11111234567890a It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
@living_marble Was it something I said?
@momsense_ensues I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
@TheAlexNevil If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
@DannyZuker Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
@ChadKroeber Me: *tries to knock 1st kite out of tree using 2nd kite*
*gets 2nd kite stuck in tree*
Genie: please don’t w-
Me: I wish for a third kite
@UnFitz A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.