@DairylandDon

Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron

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@Michael1979

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

@GuyThe_Guy

So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?

@driverminnie

Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”

@nnnatchos

Things are finally coming to a head.

~inspirational zit

@Sanbel11

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

@JohnLyonTweets

Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.

@kelkulus

My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.