@Michael1979 Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
@DairylandDon Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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@Michael1979 
@GuyThe_Guy So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
@driverminnie Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
@iGreenGod Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
@nnnatchos Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
@Sanbel11 Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
@JohnLyonTweets Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
@ThisOneSayz *Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
@kelkulus My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
@nPhelendriqal :# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”