Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
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The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Is a person diagnosed with a Multiple Personality Disorder able to get a group rate from their therapist? Just asking for some friends.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Favourite diary entry ever
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.