Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
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saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I want to marry a man who is never on time so I can refer to him as my late husband
Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
stadium announcer: “STADIUM!”
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today