Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
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Every damn time
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
I don’t know what to do
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
“For my next illusion” the magician announces: “Free will!” Everyone starts clapping but they don’t know why
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
my first day as a raccoon
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”