*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
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Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment
receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month
me: ok I’ll hold
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.
Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Hot hot hot 🥵
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.