Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with ‘Star Wars’.
I said: May divorce be with you…
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Me: *winks*
Him: *googles signs of a stroke*
Love is always patient and kind.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
My grandma sailed on the Titanic.
She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it