Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
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WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Sorry, we’re clothed” – Manager at a Nudist resort
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.