@TrueTorontoGirl

Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

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@ArfMeasures

“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup

@skittle624

I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.

@BobTheSuit

Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.

@daemonic3

[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th

@electric_Dad_

If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake

@MsSouthernStems

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.

@Darlainky

Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.

@FuzzyDuck17

No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else

@EromoEgbejule

As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.

Discuss.