Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.

You Might Also Like


“Some people call me the space cowboy”

*leans in*

“Some people call me the gangster of love”

BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup


I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.


Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.


[1st date]

“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”

Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th


If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake


The road to hell is paved with good intentions

Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.


Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.


No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else


As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.