Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
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Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
huge valentines day plans this year!!
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?