Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
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I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
*Seductively hides in the woods
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.