RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?