Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.
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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
Nobel prize to the person who invented stretchy clothes
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
What the dentist sees
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
best first i’ve ever seen