@TheWeirdWorld

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

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@BuckyIsotope

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: I’m leaving

ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more

WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops

ME: Ooh get tacos

@handsforkeys

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

@IfIwassomething

Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.

@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@upsidedowntrash

Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]

Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.

Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]

@Parkerlawyer

Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”

@EliBraden

No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then

@Sanbel11

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?