Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
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Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
twitter users today:
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.