Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”

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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage


My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.


You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.

You also look like a bad speller.


Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so


[sloth wedding]


[six months later]



If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.


Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division


The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.


My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral