Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
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[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Wanna run through the forest, while I chase you with a flamethrower?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.