IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
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If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
My wife: I know it’s cold but I want to go for a walk
Me: *takes wife’s hand in mine* Be safe out there…I’ll watch the kids
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
Thrilling chase underway
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
I bought a formal gown simply because it had pockets.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft