IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
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Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.
*finds there’s no coffee*
{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
rise and shine we got egg
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
Meow
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.