Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
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One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”