Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
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If my boss knew I rated him “needs improvement” in last night’s sex dream, he probably wouldn’t have been so nice to me today.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The future is now.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga