Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
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Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
Shoulder devil: Do it! Do it!
Shoulder angel:
Shoulder devil: Oh he long gone
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
If white men can’t jump, how do you explain Super Mario?
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.