Is anyone gonna tell them?
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Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I am yelling
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
ME: Good date?
FRIEND: Ok. Until he got undressed
ME: Then what?
FRIEND: [sticks out pinky finger]
ME: Ah. Then he drank tea in a fancy way
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.