Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
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This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*