Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
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I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Van Gone
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors