Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I’m like that guy at the beginning of infomercials that is unable to do simple shit, i just burns everything and i cant figure out blankets.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
GYM
Man: “Can you spot me?”
Me: “Sure”
Man: *Throwing down towel* “Invisibility cloak my ass”
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
*gets catfished*
*is too polite to say anything*
*marries catfish*
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Me recordaron éste meme
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler