Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
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one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Other moms: I hate summer break
Me: I love summer break – I have no laundry to do since my kids never change their clothes
When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
Whisper out to librarians!
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins