“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing?
Me: Cooking dinner.
7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why?
Me: I have no idea.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
Bro what is this
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)