Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
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I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
Not to brag about my wealth but a well-known billionaire has recently been begging me for “5, 10…even 25 dollars”.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
Omg. It happened again.
I was using the flashlight on my phone. To look for my phone.
Help me 😩
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
#dalle2
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship